everytime i let people in they just screw me over.

i want a baby panda bear.

God is a jealous god.
therefore we shall put no other gods before him. nor shall we create idols in which have no magnificence to them. God is magnificent. the most magnificent above all things. and nothing. Nothing can compare to him.

God has wrath.
and We are born with God's wrath and when we choose to believe in him, his wrath leaves us. We are free from hell. Hell is the absence of God, and good, and love.

God is love.
god is love and goodness. he is opposite of hate and evil.

therefore

God hates sin. He dispises it.
When jesus took all of our sins upon himself, God hated him; because he hated sin. So God being love and the opposite of sin, left Jesus. They were no longer one and Jesus said "my god, my god, why have you forsaken me"

I really never knew how powerful those words were until bible study last night.

Jesus died for us. He died for you, and he died for me.
When we sin we are apart from God. However, Jesus has died for our sins. So when we ask for forgiveness it is given to us because Jesus already paid the price for us. He endured all of Gods wrath and hate for us.

so with that, when you sin and ask for forgiveness, are you asking deeply and truely for it? or are you asking just for that moment in time, and not planning on trying to better yourself and trying to keep from sinning that same sin again.

a Christian can be divided into many ways.

the "christian" who says they believe but chooses to live the life they want to live, knowing that god will just keep forgiving them because they are a "chrisitan". well, these "christians" i believe are selfish. they only care about themselves. because if you just think about it, with each sin you do, Jesus has to die all over again hanging on the cross, with nail pierced hands and feet. would you feel bad if someone had to die for you, OVER and OVER and OVER again?

the real Christian is one who believes and lives a life like an believer. now you can break that down into things like studying the bible, helping the needy, giving up everything you have for others. but when it comes down to it. I think a real Christian is one who sins, and honestly truly with all of their heart chooses to confess their sins and try hard to never repeat them. I think a real chrisitan strives for perfection, however we are humans and that is impossible. but that is why Jesus came.

He reasoned with God that we are imperfect. the only perfect thing is God him self.

In the Old testament times were harsh and when people broke the laws of God they had to sacrafice lamb or a calf and repent.

in the New testament there was a change. Jesus was the change. Jesus was the lamb that was slain. and sacraficed on our behalf.


well all i gotta say is that bible study got me thinking on another level. and i finally get the part when jesus says "my god, my god, why have you forsaken me"

Rip, Harry Mann, 02-05-10
I don't know how to express the love I had for you. You were like my adopted grandfather. Being there when neither of mine where. You were an amazing man. you built things with your hands and you sang with your heart. you will be missed.
the past few years were hard, on you and for all of us. It was hard to see you dealing with althezimers and unfortunatly I just didnt know how to deal with that. It felt like I lost you years ago, but now you a really truely gone. i hope you are happy where you are now and that your sickness no longer effects you. I cant wait to see you again singing and laughing.

I love you.

i feel as if i am a repellent.

i dont feel well. mega stuffed up nose.
went to relay for life helped set up, in the rain and wind (over all though it was sunny and warm)
but it was cancelled because there was so much rain. i was drenched.

kate, puff died i am sorry. i will buy you a new one when you come back.


i got another guinea pig. it has taken me more then a week to name her. and im still undecided. i might go with marley.

im mega stressed with school... im .01 away from lambda nu and we have to do 22 100 question tests so thats 2,200 questions.
and i have to go to a meeting in norfolk. and im trying to get a job. no student tech positions are open to seniors. =(   i only have one more mandatory comp. thank GOD.

im so sad abby emma and beppo are moving. all the way to AZ...

im just in funk mode and i cant seem to get out of it.
the good thing is that i havent balled my eyes out. they have just teared up a little.
-- maybe it's cause i dont allow my self to think anymore.  i spend to much time doing other things to keep my mind off of it.
but i am so burnt out. 
however no work till monday. yay. but this is gonna be my crazy busy work week. lame.

i hate my family.  it takes 5 secs to say hi and they cant even do that. it's not like they have to call. fuckk them.


i want to get away from here. im tired of VA and the same old people. i feel so beat down and feel so alone.

It's been a whole year since Jerry and Paul have died.




Went to Sierra's school for lunch today to suprise her. She was siked to see me =)
Watched Smallville till the tape cut off. Didn't even get to see the end. ughh
Went to work. boring.
Aries died today. from live disease.
- That's the 3rd dog that i know that's died in the past 2 months....
Bailey, Charlie then Aries.

headache again...

teddy is frail seeming.

wierd dream last night with like boats and ice cream and stuff. but it was like those survior game things. my brain is wierd.

i have to work all day tomorrow. totally dreading it. 11am - 1am     yay

Sitting here listening to the rain

My uncle was in the hospital this past week because his leg got chopped up by the lawn mower. he went straight into the OR.
Supposivly he is doing good though. they gave him a knee replacement during surgery too because his arthritis was so bad.
I mad that no one inthe family told us that he got hurt, it happened sometime this past week..
I just pray that he is okay.

I didnt go to church today. I am just so lazy. I was woken up 3 times last night and I just didnt feel like having to take a shower and get ready.

I'm about to go eat and then babysit. for Kiran =)

peace out

I don't wanna go through the motions,
I don't wanna go one more day,
without your consuming passion deep in side of me.
I dont wanna spend my whole life asking,
what if I had given everything instead of going through the motions.

got my hurr cut on sat. havent worn it down casue some one else got theres cut before me, and i didnt want to take the attention away from them. -- especially since i feel like i do it all the time, not on purpose of course, but they just make me feel like i do.

gah im such a, i dont even know, but i hardly laugh any more, i have a hard time saying i love you, im pretty much just pushing people away yet still talking to people. i dont know what it is.

being at clinicals everyday doing xrays really makes me feel like i have a purpose, like im helping some one.
i enjoy talking with my patients. -- even though some of them are really wierd. or complainers.

well i better get to bed. early morning again. and i have to work. YUCK   I wish I could quit my jobs. It was so nice being off today not doing anything. I feel really lost not doing anything, like I always need something to fill up my time. I Hate that.